I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
