I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
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