I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
