He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
