batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
