the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
