Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
