You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
