If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
