I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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