I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
