I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
