And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
