I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
