Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
