Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize