All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
