halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
