Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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