Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
