why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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