Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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