I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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