seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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