sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
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