I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
