Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
