What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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