I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
