I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I feel like abortions should bother me more
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
