don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
