you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
