kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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