she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
