Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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