If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
