Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
