my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
