He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize