I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
