you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
