I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
