I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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