listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
