saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
