I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
