Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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