I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
