Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
