I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
