yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
