I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
