We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
