shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
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