"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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