A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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