My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize