i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
