we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
