my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize