Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Your dad touched me again.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize